Save Me...

Another smoove joint from one of my fave underground artists.

Collect Calls...

I could listen to this all day...

Lupe Fiasco- Cold War

Awesomely Vibetastical...

Deadlines And Commitments

From the Killers new album Battle Born. Man I love this group...

Prophecy.

Pretty soon, all the ignored texts, calls, blown off invites, and sorry excuses are gonna turn me into a jerk. THEN I'll get the girl. Going back to 93' JB. in 5...4...3...2...

Cassette Deck

Old And Decrepid...

Lately I've really been reminded about my age. Whether its been through the pains of a regular work day. Or the pains of looking for love.

 Im 32 years old working a physically demanding job. While this keeps me from gaining too much weight (like I dont have enough), I feel like im 80 yrs old when I have to do something dealing with getting on my knees. They are completely shot. With all the lifting I do i'm surprised I dont have chronic back pain. Yet. I'm still putting in applications, hoping to find less laborious work with at least health benefits. Which I currently don't have. So I cant even go to the doctor for a check up if anything were actually wrong with me. I have to keep in mind what was said by a speaker at the last District Convention, this life is only temporary. Real talk I pray every morning on the way to work that my day will go smoothly. And trust me it helps.

When it comes to the love life, seems like all im left with are sisters 10yrs younger than me. Of course they not really givin me the time of day, and I dont blame them. Who wants to deal with an old fogie like me? So then I dig and try to find sisters my age and what do I come up with?  Here's a summary:... Hoe, Recently Divorced, Going Through A Divorce, 2 Kids, 3 Kids, 1 Grown Kid,  Just Got Pregnant By A Worldly Guy, Bi-Polar, Dumb As Mud, Only Known Through Social Networking and Only Thing I Can Converse About Is My Ex.

Mannn that last one...dont even get me started. If its one thing I HATE, its a sister callin me to talk about or ask about, some OTHER dude. Smdh.

But lemme tell ya. At the last convention...I got 2 sisters digits. Both were around my age, single no kids. What do you think happened? Dry uninterested (on her part) text convos with one. The other has not answered my phone calls (only 2 at the 3rd strike she's out) after telling me at the convention that her phone doesnt get text messages at the moment.  I just cant win for losing. On the real, my mind is completely baffled as to how so many are able to get into relationships nowadays. And so many also jump in and out. Are they settling? Should I? I dont even know where to start.

Lately...

Lately my life has been filled with ups and downs. Last weekend I FINALLY made my first official trip to Charlotte. It was for a 3 day JW event with Fri. being a meet and greet, Sat. a black & white party, and Sunday a DJ Battle. Friday I arrived in Charlotte about 11:30pm. The meet and greet was scheduled for 9pm. I told my friend who I was stayin with that I got off work late and that he should go head and go, and Ill find the place when I got there. Well when I pulled up to his apt. him and another friend was just leaving. They went on ahead while I changed to some pants inside. When I arrived at the function however...It was my shirt, not my pants that kept me from getting in the joint. Security didnt want me wearing a T-Shirt. (Im from the beach, clubs are mad lax about that on the eastern part of the state) (Oh and S/O to Melany for trying her best to get the security to let me in). So...I had to go back to my friends apt. And change into the shirt I brought for the black and white party. Fortunatly he only lived bout 10mins away. Suffice to say tho, I was only at the meet and greet for bout and hr and a half smh. It was all good tho, I think I knew just about everyone I saw there the first night anyway. Overall, Saturday was the best day I had. It also had one of the worst moments. A friend drove me around Charlotte, and I got to try out some family restaurant called the Chickenbox that was pretty bangin. The Black & White party was off the chain once everybody started showin up. And I was maaaaaaaaad tipsy that night due to excessive pre-gaming, and the drinks I had when I got there. When Im tipsy I gets my dance on, and I got it in that night. During one of the downtimes I took to rest however, one of my friends sitting next to me was checking his FB on his phone. Then he turned to me and was like "Yo wheren't you friends with this Carlton dude? Why is B sayin R.I.P. Carlton?"....I'm thinkin to myself, I only know one Carlton..this must be a joke. I didnt even want to think about it, and if it were true, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued my tipsy revelry. Sunday night...was wack to say the least. The venue for the Dj Battle was changed like an hr before it was to go down, due to a contract dispute. Then none of the Dj's except for the one hosting it, showed up. I would also say that hardly anyone showed up period, but actually it was more like, ppl showed, but they showed up at different times. The ones that came early/on time were leaving as ppl showed up late, which led the ppl showing up late thinking, this is wack we bout to leave too. I didnt really care tho. I had a headache (hangover? sinus?) all day Sunday, and I really wasnt up for socializing much. Me and my friend helped the Dj pack up his equipment early and then we left to get some sleep. That was my Charlotte trip in a nutshell. Of course more stuff happened inbetween all this, but I gotta keep some things to myself lol.

Anyways, when I got back home I asked around and found out my boy Carlton a.k.a. "Cease" who was one of the neighborhood guys I grew up with had indeed passed. Some of my readers may know him as CS_Fresh on Twitter. He had 2 kids, and had moved to Boston for law school. Seemed like he been in school every since he graduated HS. Apparently he'd been goin through some things none of us knew about, except maybe his mother who said in hindsight she saw the signs. That being said, he took his own life by throwing himself out a window. It seems like a bad joke. Or that there must have been foul play involved. Because that's just the type of thing me and him would've joked about. "There go another white man jumpin out a building. Niggas too afraid of hieghts to do that"....or something or such. I still remember the last time he was down here, me, him and some friends were eating at Hooters watching a college bball game, and he had the whole table rolling the entire time. He was always the most brazen, loudest, and charismatic of the bunch and he will be sorely missed by everyone that knew him.

So Elastic

Chillin.

Okay so today, me and sister "Lets Chill" did go on kinda sorta a dinner date today. It actually turned out pretty good. I mean, we were already cool beforehand I dont think anyone was a ball of nervousness. I feel like I can be myself around her, and her with me. The only thing thats kind of a hurdle, is the age difference. She is mature for her age, but at the same time, because of it, I feel like we would be secretly dating. (Dont get it twisted yall, she is LEGAL) lol. But still...im bout to be 32 and she's only_______. Ugh. Probably why she made the "lets just call it chilling" statement in hindsight. (I was just tee'd because these sister's been mad difficult lately).  I dont even know that anything will come of this at all. If it doesnt, I definitely know we can still be friends. If it were to become serious, I just know I aint tryina be secretive about it. Guess I'll just chill n see what happens....meanwhile im still single till otherwise noted. lol.

So Niggas Dont Date No Mo??? Oh Ok.

Aight so peep this: There's this local sister I been cool with for a while now, and because we were so cool, I decided to go head and ask if she wanted to go on a date sometime. Her response was "we can chill, lets just not call it a date".....(-_-)....."CHILL" tho???....anyways...my response to that was: "Why not call it a date?"...to which she responded..."its such a serious word"....(-_-).....Seriously???.....And here I thought "marriage" and "love" were serious words. I must've been mistaken. Mind you, I just said "A date". Singular. Not that this would be a regular thing. To say we just gonna substitute "chilling" for "dating", sounds an awful lot like a MAN's reasoning, cept most times we just say "talking".   Anywho.....my response was: "Fine. We can chill sometime then." And left it at that.....I mean what guy wouldn't want to chill with multiple girls??? I certainly plan to, since we just chillin,  its not that serious.

Go head. Tell me I'm wrong when Im right. Lol.

The Weeknd- Trust Issues (Remix)

Man IDEK...

I'm trying not to become a bitter person, but thats getting harder and harder to do. Tryin to find that special person nowdays is like running through ridiculous obstacle course. Im tired of it, and tired of repeating the cycle of trying to get to know a person from the beginning. And im finding it harder and harder to trust ppl too. Honestly at this point I trust no females period. They call guys dogs, but they are just as bad. They are just slicker about it. I think ima stay very lowkey this summer, and keep to myself for the most part. I need to work on things anyway. Especially my spiritual motivation. I been finding it extremely hard to go out in service lately. I also need to start commenting alot more at the meetings. All of it pretty much boils down to a lack of preparation on my part. I realize this, I just haven't the will to correct it. I dont know if its some form of depression or what. Maybe its just this world wearing me down. I've been in the truth all my life, I've watched my friends come and go, and come back. Alot of times they come back spiritually stronger. I never left, and I find myself weaker than them, or even newcomers to the truth. Its like I come to the meeting as a robot now.  I dont know, somethings gotta change in my life. I just dont know if I have have the will to change it. My folks want me to consider moving to DC after June. They already talked to my Aunt up there, and she said she wouldnt mind me staying with her. I probably need that type of change, but honestly I dont really care much for DC and my goal was to move to Raleigh. I guess I'll just have to see how fed up I am with NC life, and how much I have saved by the end of  June, before make that decision.

W.o.W.....

......SHE (ATL girl) sent me a random friend request today. And I accepted it....WHY??? What in the world is wrong with me???. Now she commenting on my stuff without any explaination for her past actions.....Some type of apology, remorse, reparations...better be coming. This will not go on like nothing happened. I'm getting too freakin soft....Smdh.

Stalley ft. Avriel Epps- Island Hopping

Wish I could go island hopping lately. This joint relaxes me tho. It'll have to do.

Aight....

...Somayall might get mad...and I'm only writing this because I care....but you already knew this was coming lol... LADIES, SISTERS,......LEAVE THE WORLDLY MEN ALONE!!!!. They ALL cheat. Well I should say 98% of them. I've worked with worldly dudes for YEARS. Grew up with worldly dudes. HELL... I AM A DUDE. I've literally watched a worldly dude (My work/driving partner, 25yrs old) kiss up to his WIFE on the phone, then 5mins later drive to meet his SIDE CHICK and have me wait in the vehicle while they do god knows what. AT WORK!! ON THE CLOCK!!!  Do you really wanna risk the dude you marryin to come home one day and give you an STD??? EVERY DUDE DOES NOT HAVE A MAGIC JOHNSON, LIKE MAGIC JOHNSON!!! HE IS THE ONLY DUDE THAT HAS SELF CONTAINED AIDS OF EVERLASTING LIFE!!!!...And then you might say..."well Witness dudes cheat too...". Yes they do...but usually when they do (If they arent already riding the fence) they at least have the conscious factor involved. They will most likely tell you, the elders, grandma...whoever...what they did. There is no basis for a worldly dude to do so. Until he gets caught. And do you know how ALOT of worldly dudes get caught??? Their Un-Magic Johnson.

Secondly....WHY WOULD A WORLDLY GUY MARRY YOU? WHY SHOULD HE???....If he can string you along and get the kitty kat on the side, there is NO REASON that he will. If you dont give him the kitty kat he's gonna get it from SOMEWHERE ELSE and now refer to my previous paragraph...

3rd...WHY SHOULD HE GET BAPTIZED IF HE HAS YOU??? What if he NEVER gets baptized??? What if YOU make it to paradise but HE doesnt? Then talk about wasted years...

Lastly... WHAT IF YOU HAVE KIDS?? Are you gonna let your children go to Church? What if he wants them to? What about celebrating Christmas? Holloween? HE WILL BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.  Do you really want to risk the future of your children like that???

The bottom line is patience. Everyone is in a rush to find a mate before they die, or start falling apart at the seams. Because time is not on our side. We gotta remember. There is no biological clock that matters when Jah is involved. If we are still hoping and believing in his coming kingdom and paradise earth, without sickness or death, then we know we might end up being 240 years old, and still be having kids. We might marry our special someone at 240 yrs old, and he/she might be only 190. But we just had to wait on them to be born or resurrected for that matter. We just gotta keep that bigger picture in our heads and try not to compile unnesessary  and possibly "life-threatening" difficulties on ourselves.

Okay, Im done. I aint judging, yall are gonna do what yall are gonna do. I'm just tryina look out for my Sisters well being out here. None of this that I wrote is new news (I'm sure you heard all this before) but writing this out also helped me, because I've often thought about goin down this road as evidenced by one of my last posts. But yall are younger than me. Come back and think about goin down the worldly path when you're hitting 32.



P.S.  I know one of yall that reads this post is Twitter friends with my (worldly) homeboi (CS_Fresh) I grew up with. I didnt even know till I looked at one of his avi's...that he had a little boy...I just knew about the little girl he also has. That means he now has 2 Baby Mommas (that I know of). I promise you he's NEVER thought about getting married tho lol. Bet.

I Hate It When...

Females call me up to talk about other dudes. This one sister in particular has absolutely nothing to talk about when she calls, other than her feelings for her ex man, whome she still talks to, whome she's still apparently trying to get over. I really dont like being rude to females, but I think im just not even gonna answer the phone when she calls. It'll save me a bunch of "eye rollin:, and lawd knows my eyes aint in shape for all that. I was kinda attracted to the sister at one time, but now she just seems kinda dumb and I aint riskin my emotions on a chick thats still fiendin for her ole thang back. Even tho I promise you, dude aint even thinkin bout her.

My sister pickins are gettin slimmer and slimmer by the week. And younger and younger. I definitely aint tryina be on that TCAP status, but all I got left in my area are 18yr olds lol. This is getting sad. Doesnt help that im mainly attracted to lightskinned girls. Nothing against darkskinned, or brown skinned girls (2nd runners up) but if the sister is lightskinned (mixed, hispanic, indian) she definitely gets my attention instantly. However if they are funny, or just a dork like me, all bets are off,  they can be any color and ima like them, long as they're at least cute (to me). This one brownskin sis in particular on Twitter (on of my first Twittercrushes) she's probably one of the funniest sisters I know. Truth be told, most girls dont make me laugh, I usually fake it. But she literally has me guffawing at the screen sometimes, and she doesnt even try. We've never officially met even tho we were in the same room one time at an event, (before meeting on Twitter/Fb) but I do remember seeing her and she's definitely cute in person. Thats someone I'd love to date, but last I checked ( and I definitely checked), she was in talks with someone. I think ima check again on the status of that tho lol. Of course she lives in the DMV (couldnt possibly live close by, that'd be too easy) but I'd make that trip if we were dating. Plus I got fam up there who I need to visit more anyway.

Lol look at me plannin already. I need to stop that mess and go to bed. Dueces.

I DON LUD DEEZ HOEZZZ....

.....that is all.

Same Old Rant.

There's gotta be a wicked spirit force intentionally cock-blocking me. Gotta be. Probably with the hope that I do something irrational like many in the truth today, and go outside of the organization for a mate. Fuck it. I just might. The sisters certainly aint waitin on no brothers. They can have babies come back to the truth with a worldly mate, and still give comments n whatnot. I see it in my hall all the time. Then I just went to a wedding where a newly baptized sister from my hall, married a newly baptized brother from another hall cross town. Yet I been in the truth for years, and cant find "the one".  I dont know how many times I can keep puttin myself out there for nothing. I dont know maybe i'm bitter. Its just a direct slap in the face everytime I see some sister pining over some worldly nigga. And then actually gettin said nigga to study, or even come into the truth later on with the intent of marrying him. Meanwhile, I get all kinds of excuses, avoidance manuvers, and even outrightly being cut off, when I express interest in a sister. And I've tried all types of approaches. I've tried being myself, i've tried waiting and being the friend first, i've tried being extra polite, i've tried being funny, i've tried being generous, and i've even tried the mean approach.  Im tired of it. I could easily get a worldly chick. They love well spoken black men, with a job, thats spiritual, and who will treat them right. They aint used to that. The only thing holding me back is the disappointment it would cause my folks, and what I would perceive to be disappointment from God. Although me and my imperfect sense of justice feels like at least for right now, some people in the organization are getting away with murder relationship wise. I just wanna be O.J. too....

Still Mad...

When I think about that chick and what she did.  How you just throw away 2 yrs of friendship like that? I keep thinking back on what I might've did or said, but nothing comes to mind that would warrant me getting completely cut off. I wanna ask what happened? Why? I still see her on FB, and Twitter. Mutual friends commenting on her ish...it irks the hell outta me. But my pride aint gonna let me ask those questions. I swore I wasnt ever gonna sweat nobody after a certain someone, and im stickin to it. Besides I doubt I'd get an answer anyway, and i'd've just played myself. I need to be a mind reader I guess.

Drive

Okay, I just finished watching the movie Drive. And while some scenes were incredibly violent, I must say overall I LOVED this movie. The soundrack and the backdrop scene shots in particular. From beginning to end it hits you with an 80's vibe. Ryan Gosling didnt have much dialogue, which was fine with me, because I used to find him annoying on "Young Hercules". (If yall even remember that show). His mostly silent character made it believable when he unleashed his indignation upon the bad guys in this movie. Here is one of my favorite songs of the movie that played and led up to one of those particular moments (the infamous elevator scene).

Btw that Scorpion Jacket was so BADASS. I gotta get me one...

This Chick....

Really just stonewalled me. 80 Percent of the reason why I wanted to go to ATL was so I could finally meet her. The other percentage was for the Battle of the Bands. I bought her ticket and everything so she could just meet us at the Dome and be able to sit with us. Then the whole week when I'm tryina reach her to touch bases with her (via phone calls, voicemails, text, and Twitter), I get NO RESPONSE. The day before we bout to head down there...NO RESPONSE. NADA. NOTHING. Then when after a semi-wasted weekend where I didnt get to see her, I finally make it back home, check my Twitter, and SHE'S UNFOLLOWED ME.............. W......T......FFFFFFFFF????......I'm totally mindboggled right now. I don't know what happened. This is after almost 2yrs of knowing her. I keep thinking did I do or say anything wrong? Her Twitter is still open where I can see it, and she never responded to any of my tweets. Smh. I'm done with her.......last person ima EVER invest my time, energy and money, into that I haven't met in real life. That bein said.......I always have a backup.

Dueces.

This Nigga Right Here...

is the TRUTH.

Mmh Mmh Mmh...

Maannn....there are some BEAUTIFUL Sisters in Jehovah's organization. I just hope I end up with one. That is all....Goodnight.

Songs Im Diggin Right Now...

Mannnn I dont care all that much for dudes flow...but the production he flows on is CRAZY. My favorite song on his mixtape "Live Love ASAP". This stays in heavy rotation...

This next one man what can I say...Ross & Pharrell??? Luvin it....

This joint right here nigga....this joint right heeeerrree...is probably what ima be playing before I head to any parties or clubs (how it sounds in my car...lawwwd)...it lowkey gets me HYPE I mean I be belting the hook in my car yo...unashamed LOL. Unfortunately that dude Future is extremely wack and darn near ruins the song. But if you're Way Too Gone....you prolly wont notice. Lol.

And lastly Kendrick Lamar. I pretty much love anything by him, but I been playin this song alot, I dont know why I like it so much...I guess cuz it reminds me of someone...hmmm.

Thats all for now folks...ENJOY.  Dueces...

Jones'n.....a lil.

Maannn I WISH I could find this sister I met at the last gathering I was at. So mad she left before I was able to get around to getting her number. And of course I cant find her on FB or Twitter. I DO know who has her number, but I aint getting a sisters digits 3rd hand, thats wack. UUUGGHH. Guess I'll have to wait till I see her again. Course she'll probably be boo'd up by then. (She's new to the area). Meanwhile I'll continue to be tortured by her face poppin up in my head.

Some other sisters been hittin me up lately, some of whome I spoke on in earlier blogs. I still dont know what to think on them. One called me their "BFF" last night. I had been thinkin that meant "best female friend" but she said "best friend forever"...*Kanye Shrug*... either way it reeks of "friend zone". The other one, invited me to this party that her "EX" Boyfriend is throwing. She talkin bout she dont know how she feel about going (why go? and  why invite me then?) yet I myself dont know how I feel about going. ( dont want any possible drama).

Females. The Bane of Mans Emotions.

Plan B

Welp. Looks like im gonna have to initiate Plan B. I checked back today, on the job at Toyota I interviewed with about a week ago, and the guy told me that they had filled the position I wanted from inside the company. Smh. So now, I'm just gonna save my money up with the intention of moving elsewhere, preferrably Raleigh. I'd hate to leave my folks, but there is just NOTHING in Wilmington jobwise, and I just cannot abide by the job I have now. Its been a month, and I still feel like a fish out of water. I have no idea what im supposed to do most of the time with the exception of the past few days where all i've been required to do was clean furniture. I mean I was hired on for carpet cleaning, and I've only done that ONCE so far. I feel like i've signed up for something where I didnt look at the "fine print". Also, most of the time im so tired after I get off, I'm a straight Zombie on the days I have to work my night job. I may have to quit the night gig tho.  It was supposed to be my backup if I quit the day job, but if I quit the day job I'll never make enough to do anything period. Ugh. I guess ima have to pray to stick it out for a little while, but I hate going to work not knowing what I'll be doing, or how to do it.

First post of 2012. Catchin Up, Reevaluating, Realizing.

Catching Up

Well Its 2012, and I FINALLY got my first check from this wack new job I got at the end of 2011. It was surprisingly quite hefty for one weeks work. My first 2 days I did work 11 hours tho. It does feel good to now be able to catch up on some bills if I wish, tho im probably gonna wait till my check for 2 weeks comes in for all that. Hopefully by then tho, Toyota whome I was able to interview with this past Friday will give me a call and take me out of this misery which is my job lol. If that doesnt happen tho, Plan B is to just save most of what I make and make that move to Raleigh before the summer. My aunt there has already been informed of this plan (since she will most likely be who i'll be staying with at first) and I got my cousin lookin out for me job wise.

Reevaluating

Speaking of Raleigh, I made a trip up there this past weekend. With my newfound money, my car found itself filled with gas and on the highway. A brother I know there had a gathering, (yes gathering not a party) and I went. Some of the bros from my cong. were a lil miffed that I went without telling them, but SO WHAT? It was INVITE ONLY. And I for one am glad it was. You see, there was no "youngins" there, and therefore no foolishness. Just food, drinks, games, cool sis and bros, and good convo. In fact, that was one of the best "gatherings" ive EVER been to. It felt good bein able to chill with ppl my own age or older, most of whome were single (and attractive) and no type of "hateration" in the room. In fact the NFL playoffs were on, and barely anyone was even watching the game. I left the gathering feeling refreshed and with a host of new numbers in my phone. Thats the type of get together were I feel you could find your future wife at. Not like some of these "partys" i've been to in the past. You dont really get to know about anyone at those, you just basically come to look good, get your dance/drink on, get digits and leave. The point being....ima chill on the party scene a lil bit, (the last one I attended in 2011 left my conscience a lil scarred) and look for more of the type of events of this past weekend. That way I can get know people on a more personal level and they can get to know me, minus the drama.


Realizing

Speaking of personal, I've come to realize 2 things by the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012. First, I will never find a suitable mate (or date) on a social network. The sisters I've run across online have too many issues, either with themselves or their past or both. I know one sis that praises Jehovah one status, and is layin up under some worldly dude the next. I mean thats an extreme case but, then I see sisters who because of all the attention from pics they get on FB and Twitter all of a sudden become snooty. And I'm not just saying this, these are ppl I know and have met on multiple occasions. Plus its way to easy to hide your real personality on these social networks. The aformentioned "snooty chick" Is a complete awkward dork in real life. The only thing she has going for her is her looks. But if you see her on Twitter she's gangsta and rippin thirsty dudes to shreds with her tweets. Also...you get the sisters that are still "friends" with their ex's online. Meanwhile they'll talk to you, flirt, and what have you, knowing good and well when their "ex" comes acallin...they goin right back to them. But thats another story. Anyways im just gonna be cool with chicks online, definitly not gonna holla unless we've met.

The second thing i've realized is.....I love my Dad. He gets on my last, of my last, of my LAST nerve a solid 85% of the time, but I love him. I think the irritation is that he knows me so well, even when I say only 3 words to him throughout the course of a day...He STILL knows whats on my mind. My irritation also could stem from the fact that we look so much alike, and yet im still overshadowed by his loud, boisturous personality. Im always getting the "He musta spit you out!!" comment, followed by the "Yeah but Bro. Bell Sr. likes to talk!!". The latter comment, is usually someone from my Dad's generation. Really tho, nobody but me and my Mom knows what my Dad goes through. He stays putting up a good front for the ppl in general and the cong. He almost recently stepped down from being an elder. The other elders convinced him to stay though. His eyes arent what they used to be, and he has complications due to being on dialysis. While I was outta work, I was often the one taking him back and forth to the center, and I know that takes a toll on him. I know it sounds selfish, but I get irritated that he isnt able to do all the things he used to do and sometimes I take it out on him. Truth of the matter is tho, if something were to ever happen to my Dad I would cry my eyes out. I dont even know if I could function. I think about this everyday, and I just pray it doesnt happen on a day that im angry with him.